Hermit

Posted on February 27th, 2010 in Joy of Zen by joyofzen

When I was little I used to be outgoing and such. I volunteered to speak at events. I was the lead actress in the 4th grade play, I was comfortable with myself (despite being picked on).  I moved after 4th grade and had some rough times. I became very introverted. I’ve never been able to fully come out of this behavior… I shouldn’t say fully, I’m nowhere close to be extroverted heh.

I’m the type to keep a smaller amount of close friends around me rather than a huge group of people. I almost always meet people through other people, rather than on my own. I know that isn’t such a terrible thing, but I’m not outgoing in the slightest bit.

I’m definitely most social on Twitter. I never shutup there. In person though, I never really have much to say. I find it hard to make ’small talk’ with people. I am friends with a couple of my co-workers who I clicked with, but that is a sort of forced situation. You work side-by-side with people, of course you’re going to end up chatting.

I keep telling myself I gotta get out more, but am very timid to go anywhere alone. I also have no money to be spending, so that’s not helping the situation any. One complaint people have about me is that I don’t show emotion much, which is true. Even if I’m super happy inside, it often doesn’t show on the outside. It takes a lot to get any measurable amount of emotion out of me. Going back to the shutting myself off from the world when I was younger.

Guys never ask me out. Literally, never. It’s always me who has to be more forward. My friend says it’s because I’m so quiet though. I’ve always figured (since high school) the worst thing that could happen is the guys says no. I asked my crush to a dance in high school and he said no, but was nice about it.

I really miss going out and having fun. I’ve never really been one to initiate going out, definitely more of a follower than a leader. I always wish I had some single friends who lived around me, it’d be much better for me to get out to socialize with a few other people. I can’t imagine going somewhere and initiating conversation heh. Weird how it doesn’t bother me at school, to talk to random people, but yeah.

So, at this point I’m just completely rambling and have no answers for myself heh. Sounds about right. I’ll stop there :)

This is Likely to go all over the Place

Posted on February 23rd, 2010 in Joy of Zen by joyofzen

I can’t decide if over should be capitalized. Meh.

Dear lord I am so exhausted. These 10-week quarters are torture. It just hit me how many hours I’ve been working with my classes. I had a day last week where I was exhausted, it was Thursday though. Slept for 12 freaking hours that night! I’m gonna aim for 6 hours tonight, that’s usually an ok number.

I’m still trying to get things in order at school. I got everything turned in for my credential application, now I just need to hope that they will accept me. I need to get a questioned answered in the morning. Alright, this is how tired I am, I just tried to write, “to get an answer questioned.” Eep.

I’m laying on my bed in my clothes and really do not want to move. I keep thinking about all the homework I have to do for next week. Ugh. I’m gonna start it Thursday night and just try to stay on top of it. I have 3 papers do, and the special ed one has two speech samples I have to transcribe and analyze. That’s the 9th week of quarter… and I have nothing due on the 10th week. I wish one of the papers was due then. Sigh. The 11th week is finals, which involves 2 big papers and a test. This quarter has gone by very quickly, but I want a vacation. I only get one week off before the next quarter starts. It’s a cruel, cruel world.

Had to deal with a stupid mess last night that is completely ridiculous. People can be such idiots. I’d go on, but the idiots are probably reading this now, because they have no lives apparently. Have at it.

I’m doing my best to stay awake right now. Was up ’til 3 or some crap this morning, trying to finish homework. I don’t wanna fall asleep yet though, cuz if I sleep over 6 hours I usually feel worse. That’s why I came to blog, I knew reading would knock me out and this sounded like the extent of my ability to focus.

I am debating what to listen to. Definitely something mellow… Sigur Ros, Portishead, Elliott Smith, Damien Rice… Decisions. A lot of times I end up putting my iPod on shuffle, but then skipping way too many songs. The Genius thing on iTunes seems pretty cool, but I’m not on my desktop as much as my laptop.

See. This is why I gave this post the title I did. I’m just rambling about everything. Probably a good time to stop :)

Ridiculousness

Posted on February 12th, 2010 in Failage Sisters Podcast by joyofzen

Our third Failage Sisters episode features intro music from incompetech.com! We’re moving up in the world. We’ve been gone for a while, so we’re a little rusty. Hopefully you’ll enjoy the show and we will get a good flow going.

Thanks for listening!

 

I Think too Much and Live too Little

Posted on February 12th, 2010 in Joy of Zen by joyofzen

For those who know me, you probably agree with the title of this post. I am a very introverted person, not outgoing and I definitely don’t like to talk about my feelings. I’ve become more social over the last year, but I still consider myself shy. People online often expect me to be very talkative when we meet in person, but it’s not the case.

I just watched Amélie. I’d only seen it once before, and that was many years ago. I couldn’t remember much about the movie other than I remembered liking it and the crème brûlée. I find that part funny since it’s hardly in the movie. I just love it too and love cracking it.

So, during the movie I guess I had sort of an epiphany. It’s not something that I wasn’t at all aware of, it was just made clear. There is a point where Amélie helps someone with something, which triggers something in her that makes her want to go around helping people, or just trying to make things right. It brought her immense pleasure.

I connected this with why my life always feels a little off. I love to help people by nature, which is why I want to be a teacher in some capacity. Then, all this goes back to the thing about me not being where I want in life. I should’ve been done with school long ago, in a career I enjoy and fully supporting myself.

But that’s just not how life happens to be right now. I really feel if I was working in the career I want I would feel like a weight has been lifted from me. The struggle of getting there, not being there now, just trying to get through each day at a time to reach certain goals. It just wears on me.

The thing is though, I need to stop letting it. I know I will get there eventually. Amélie is a free spirit, and I identify with her timidness. I admired her enjoying skipping rocks on the water, feeling different things with her hands; these little things brought her pleasure.

I feel I’ve been doing better with letting things, like the gorgeous sky, make me happy, and of course always music. I just think I’m so worried about getting to the next thing that I’m not living right now. I let things weigh on me so much, when I should be going with the flow.

So I guess Amélie did two things for me. Reminded me that I will eventually get to my goal of helping children, and just be as free as possible. Enjoy life as it’s happening. I’m not saying there won’t be any bitching or moaning along the way, but I will make an effort to seek out the positive things surrounding me.

I can’t remember a movie ever having triggered anything in me like this before. It’s a strange feeling, sort of like coming out of a fog and trying to readjust my eyes.

Content

Posted on February 10th, 2010 in Joy of Zen by joyofzen

I wonder if I should look at my last post to see what I talked about… I don’t think I care enough for that sadly.

I know one thing I can talk about. I had to analyze a poem for one of my Chicano Studies classes. I have never been a fan of poetry. I think things straight forward and don’t want to have to go digging for meaning. It is not the least bit enjoyable for me to read it. But this poem I analyzed I connected to my life. Again things I’m always aware of that I need to improve on, but seeing me as the main character sorta woke me up.

I tend to create my own prison of doom sometimes. I can be so happy for a while, but it’s usually something outside of myself causing it, and when whatever that is stops I feel super meh. I am always completely bored with myself. I’m sure that is why I am on my computer non-stop when I am home. I can manage to entertain myself for 2-3 hours, but after that I go insane if I don’t have something else there to keep me going.

I guess the point of me writing about it is that I need to take control over it. I know I can’t be happy all the time, but I’ll settle for being content. My logical brain understands all this, but then the other part of my brain says “Um, nope.” I am content right now… since I analyzed the poem the other day I’ve been more relaxed. Just if I can keep it going……

Yet Another Week…

Posted on February 6th, 2010 in Joy of Zen by joyofzen

I turned in my credential application this week, sans one thing because I realized I paid for the wrong thing online. Ugh. I am so grateful they accepted the application anyway. I am hoping everything goes smoothly and I get this cert. of clearance thing quickly so I can turn it in.

Sigh.

And I got an A on a paper in one class and stupid B on one in another class. I have a paper due in each this coming week. This quarter is swamped with papers. This is always how it happens. I either have a ton to write, or hardly anything at all. This coming week is the 6th week of school… and there are only 10 weeks. This quarter seems especially fast for some reason.

And on a different note……

Two people contacted me who I really didn’t want to hear from. One is the cousin I wrote about last April I think it was. And since I’d deleted him as a contact I wrote back when he texted asking who it was. When he said, I just didn’t reply. I was pretty pissed for a couple hours. He knew not to contact me again. Asshole. Thankfully he didn’t try texting after that.

Then my ex left me a voicemail message out of nowhere. Part of what he said was that he was probably the last person I wanted to hear from, and I thought yeah, so why are you calling me. I was gonna ignore it, but he sent a follow up email. I felt compelled to email back, I was just too pissed at that point. I basically reminded him how much he sucked. I figured he’d get the clue and leave me the fuck alone. Thankfully he didn’t reply.

So many times this week I fantasized about being on the beach. Toes in the sand, drink in hand, listening to the ocean and smelling its yummy scent. Someday I’ll have a real vacation. I really hoped it’d be this summer, after my bachelor’s and before my master’s. Just not in the cards though. Someday.