So, I had somewhat of an epiphany today. I felt pretty happy as I drove to work, I felt like it was going to be a good day. The blue sky was nice and I think the fact that I’m getting somewhat closer to graduating helped as well. But then my mind started wandering, as it does on a regular basis, and I began thinking of bad things.
Earlier in the week I had a bad phone convo with last guy and I ended up hanging up on him and didn’t answer when he tried calling back multiple times. Ended up sort of arguing through texts. The whole thing was complete stupidity, but one thing I’ve realized is that he forces negativity into his life when it doesn’t need to be there.
Anyway… tried to be more civil in emails and I tried to sound encouraging and really wanted to help him make sense out of his life. I did, and still do feel he needs as many positive people in his life, but I realized today that I can’t be one of them. I felt anger this morning for everything he did to me. I do know I need to let go of the anger, and believe me, it has definitely lessened. But I hated feeling that, just felt wrong.
I started thinking of what I’d say in my email to tell him how dumb I was for thinking I could be his friend and explain why. Then I realized something. I didn’t have to email him anything (epiphany!). What good would it do? Get him to take me back? I know that’d never happen and I am smart enough to NEVER go back to that disaster. The only thing I could see happening was him reading it, then replying or not… but why bother? This is all in the past now, and I gotta let it go.
The ending of this relationship completely crushed me. I am always the one to leave relationships, so it was gut-wrenching when he left me to go back to an ex. I tried so hard to make him happy, but he wouldn’t let himself be. I completely understand he wasn’t in love with me like I was with him. I would never force anyone to stay with me, that’d be ridiculous.
Anyway, it’s for that reason that these lingering feelings don’t want to completely go away. So I figured the best thing to do was to erase every connection I have with him and be done with it. I felt a relief after doing this, although I knew I might still have thoughts after the fact.
Even tonight I still feel like I’m missing part of something. I went through my phone and deleted all the pics of him. I will say it is such a strange feeling to be SO close to someone for most of the year and to have it just suddenly stop.
I definitely don’t regret deleting all the connections, it’s still a process I’m getting through I guess. Feels like it’s taking too long. I know these feelings won’t last too much longer and I just have to live with them (when they randomly appear), but I wouldn’t mind them just completely stopping now.
One thing I said on FB earlier is that the next guy will have to try so hard to get me to believe anything he’s telling me. It’s so hard to trust anyone after you feel like you were torn to pieces by someone who meant so much to you. He told me he hops that I know I am better off without him. That is one thing I am fully aware of. There is no room in my life for anyone like that. I deserve to be respected and truly loved.
In whatever relationship comes next, I will leave at the first sign of any bullshit. I am the most important person in my life. This was just a learning experience. A really fucked up one I wish I didn’t have to go through, but it is what it is.
