Life Update
I’ve had some amazingly happy moments this year with someone special, as well as some painful moments. I could write pages I’m sure, but it’s not really something for the entire public to read. I am very sad because this person isn’t in my life anymore. I know it’s for the best because too many times I felt like an insane person when I shouldn’t have had to feel that way. I could not see a way to really go on before, but of course you can’t just give up.
I am trying to figure out how to make myself happy being alone. I realized the other day that I have never once been able to maintain my own happiness, I have always looked for it by looking to others. That alone is a huge problem. Something else that I realized a long, long time ago, that everyone keeps telling me, is that I need to love myself first, and then someone else.
I am never one to focus on my own needs. I just do what needs to be done in my life to get by. I am much more concerned with making others happy and comfortable; I think maybe that is something that brings me some happiness, so I continue it. Of course there is no way I will ever stop doing this, but I know I need a balance with me put in the mix.
I do know that my life feels terribly empty without him in it, I really felt he was the only good thing in my life. All school causes me is stress, and I don’t make enough money to properly support myself. I long for the time when I was able to live alone for a year on my own. At least then I felt I had some worth. I still feel as lost as ever but know I need to keep going forward.
And again, I know the only way for me to move forward is to figure out a way to make myself happy. I am really trying hard to do this. After all my years on this planet, you’d think I would’ve figured out how to do this one little thing that seems to come so naturally for some people. It’s like my body fights against it.
I hurt because I really thought I was going to be happy with him for a long time. No one has ever made me happier than him. Obviously it wasn’t all perfected if it had to come to an end though. I keep telling myself it’s for the best, but it’s so hard to deal with. I am sure time will heal me, but the pain is strong now.
Not that I’ve ever really dated… I’ve just gone from one long-term relationship to the next (this being the exception)… but I do not plan on dating any time soon. I forgot how awful heartbreak feels, I haven’t felt it in many years, and it’s not something I want to go through any time soon.
I have to figure out a way to make time for myself outside of school and work, doing things that make me happy and don’t cost any money. I never do things alone, I hate doing anything alone… like, when I did have money, I’d never go to a movie or out to eat alone. Seeing couples around school and in public just creates longing for what I’ve lost.
It sounds like so much to figure out without wanting to give up, but I have to do it somehow.